NEW! CHRISTMAS SNAPE VIGNETTES!
by Sarah Noble
Summary: The third installment of Snape Vignettes...now with a fun Christmasy aftertaste!
1. Default Chapter

Hi again and welcome to the third installment of Snape Vignettes!  
  
What says Christmas better than Professor Snape? Lots of things, as it turns out. But bear with me anyhow.  
  
Presenting, for your mental-scarring enjoyment, Snape Vignettes: the Christmas Edition! Have fun and remember to wear protection eyewear at all times during this fanficiton.  
  
As always, remember that fanfiction is dumb. Don't read it. 


	2. Fun With Ornaments

SEVERUS SNAPE GETS STUCK WITH THE ORNAMENT-MAKING CLASS THIS CHRISTMAS  
  
"Now pay attention, you tiresome little brats," Snape hissed. "It's very simple to do, if you're not a complete idiot. You paste the red puff on the front of the wooden clothespin, attach bent brown pipe cleaners for antlers, and glue the googly-eyes to the top of the notch." He held the ornament up for the class to see.  
  
"A reindeer," he muttered sullenly. "Any questions?"  
  
"Why do we have to do this?" Parvati asked. "We're wizards. We don't celebrate muggle religious holidays like Christmas."  
  
Snape threw the tiny ornament aside angrily. "We do it because that's just what kids do in public schools before Christmas!" he snapped. "Jewish kids have to do it! Sarah Noble had to do it! EVERYONE HAS TO MAKE CRUDDY LITTLE ORNAMENTS TO GIVE TO THEIR PARENTS TO HANG ON THE TREE WHEN THEY GET HOME, PURELY FOR KITSCH VALUE!!"  
  
The entire class went silent with fear.  
  
"Now I want to see thirty gold macaroni weaths by the time this class ends," Snape continued in a dangerous voice. "Or fifty points from everybody's house."  
  
"Stop eating the macaroni, Seamus!" he added. 


	3. A Special Present

SEVERUS SNAPE GETS A SPECIAL HOLIDAY PRESENT  
  
"Snape, I know you don't usually enjoy getting presents for Christmas, but I just had to give you this," Lucius stated. He handed a shiny-wrapped box over.  
  
"What is.a sweater?" Snape asked, opening the box quizzically. "Well, at least it's black."  
  
"I knitted it just for you," Lucius said proudly. "Out of a Brunswick knitting catalogue. It took me four hours to do the celtic knot pattern around the neck."  
  
"You are so totally gay," Snape said, tossing the sweater into a nearby fireplace. 


	4. Parking

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE HOGSMEADE PARKING PROBLEM  
  
"For the love of Pete," Snape hissed to himself, attempting a K-turn in a driveway at Hogsmeade. He muttered through his teeth while gripping the steering wheel far too tightly.  
  
"There.is.NEVER.any.PARKING.in ..this.whole.FREAKING.TOWN." He pounded the wheel vicously with both fists at the first available red light. All around him, people were driving home with their Christmas presents and holiday shopping. Snape, however, had once again put off shopping until the last minute.  
  
"I promised myself I wouldn't wait this year, and now look at.AW, WOULD YOU USE A GODDAMN TURN SIGNAL, JERK!" he screamed, trying to squeeze in the already congested mall entrance. " I swear I am not going through this again next y- GET THE HELL OUTTA THE WAY, LADY! YEAH, YOU!.YEAH- DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE, BUDDY!! I'LL DO IT!"  
  
He hunched down in the driver's seat and fumed to himself for five solid minutes, while traffic crawled along. And then suddenly, inspiration hit.  
  
"Hey!" Snape exclaimed. "I've got a great idea! I can just shop online!"  
  
"Hey again!" he exclaimed again. "I've got a BETTER idea! I hate everybody anyhow! I don't HAVE to buy presents! I don't even own a car!"  
  
Snape stepped out of the maxima he'd been driving, leaving it idling in the middle of the street. He hailed a taxi and went straight home. 


	5. Chocolate is Your Only Friend

SEVERUS SNAPE EATS HIS WAY THROUGH A BAG OF DOVE PROMISES OUT OF SELF-PITY  
  
"*Sniff*.nobody likes me," Snape muttered, unwrapping three more tiny chocolates from a value bag of Dove Promises. He ate them and stared moodily off into space.  
  
"How come I'm the only one who didn't get any presents? Every year I get left out!" he whined, stuffing eight more chocolates in his mouth and frowning at the floor. "It's not FAIR!"  
  
"Hey Professor!" a student exclaimed, sticking his head in the door of Snape's study. "There's a whole bunch of presents sitting out here for you!"  
  
"Really?!" Snape stammered. "Wow! Oh my god! Who are they from?" He started cleaning up all the wrappers on his desk.  
  
"PSYCHE!!" the student screamed and ran away. Snape slumped back down in his chair and sniffled. Three bag of Hershey's miniatures and a pint of Haagen-Daaz later, he didn't feel any better. 


	6. He Really Loves You

SEVERUS SNAPE GETS INEXPLICABLY DRUNK AT THE HOGWARTS OFFICE PARTY  
  
The Great Hall was decorated with festive Christmas decorations and snow was falling magically from the ceiling, as the teachers and staff socialized merrily during the annual office party. "I love these parties so much, we should do them twice a year," Professor Dumbledore commented to a nearby group of teachers. He headed back to the buffet for another plate of sugar cookies.  
  
Snape strolled unsteadily up to Professors Sinistra and Hooch. "You know, I love you guysh.I really really do," he slurred.  
  
"Oh good GOD, Severus, are you wasted?" Madame Hooch asked incredulously. "Did someone spike the eggnog again?"  
  
"I really really really reallyreallyreally.ouch," Snape continued, slipping and falling on the floor. He crawled back over to the drinks bar.  
  
"I forgot to spike the punch, so it can't be that," Professor MacGonagall exclaimed. "How the hell did he get drunk on ordinary eggnog?"  
  
"You guysh hate me, doooooon' you.you dooo, it's no' fair.aw man." Snape muttered from under the table.  
  
"Hey guys!" Hagrid yelled, running over from the end of the hall. "I just found this empty can of Moste Potente Eggnoge out in the corridor!"  
  
Everyone enjoyed a hearty laugh and left Snape under the table to sleep it off. 


End file.
